It’s a blog, not bollocks

Remember that I mentioned ’bout goin’ mamak quite often during my 3 and a half years stay in kl. Of course we had a good time there. What sorta activity in mamak? Gossip…errr…perhaps =p  But there was once my classmate joined us, he told us ’bout jokes all nite long. One of ‘em is rather funny, it’s still in my mind ’til now.

"Once upon a time, three men lost their way in Sahara dessert. One man is American, another is Pommy (English) and the third one is Chinese. They kept walkin’ under the hot sun, with no hope of survival except miracle. Juz thought of miracle, they saw a lamp on the sand. "Wow, izzit Aladdin’s lamp?" the American hollered. Without a second thought, the Pommy pounced and grabbed the lamp, started to rub it as rough as he could. *Kriiiiiiing…* A genie was flowin’ out from the lamp, turned to ‘em happily and said, "Master…oops, I got 3 masters in all. What can I do for you?" Pause awhile before he continue, "I can grant each of you 3 wishes, so pleeeeeeeeeeease…use ‘em wisely." All of ‘em lost their awareness that they’re in the dessert. The American said, "Genie, I want MONEY!! Gimme lots of money!!!!!" Juz a matter of seconds the genie cast plenty of money for the American. The Pommy looked at him, full of envy on his face. "I want lots of pretty gals…". Again lots of pretty gals appeared in front of him. That’s too nice. They juz can’t believe it’s true. When the genie turned to the Chinese, he was like not really care ’bout it. "I want liquor, gimme few litres of wine." Yes his wish was granted. Three of ‘em enjoyed themselves ’til the genie ask ‘em for the second wish.

This time the American wanted beautiful ladies, and the Pommy wants money instead. When it comes to the Chinese, he demanded for liquor again. The two men sniggered at him, what a stupid man. For the third wish, the American ask the genie to send him back to hometown. So did the Pommy. They’re safe! Back to where they are. So genie asked the Chinese, "I send you back ok?" The Chinese replied, "No pal, I’m not satisfied yet. Drinkin’ alone is dang borin’. Ok, I got an idea. Why not you bring two of ‘em back and accompany me to drink together?" "As you wish, master" And the two men back to the dessert again. *LOL~~!!* They looked at each other, felt helpless. The genie vanished as his tasks were done. The American and Pommy regretted to have let the Chinese be the last one to make wishes."

"Later that day, they found another lantern. The American was so anxious and snatch the lantern quickly, and began to rub it. Soon a sprite appeared and greet ‘em accordingly. But this time the sprite can only grant each of ‘em two wishes. Havin’ the lesson drawn from the incident in the afternoon, the American passed the lantern to the Chinese, asked him to make a wish first. The Pommy understood his intention, juz cross his hand and stood aside. Again, the Chinese demand for alcohol. The sprite granted him with lots of wine. When it’s American and the Pommy turn, they asked for money. They’re so happy, juz can’t stop laughin’ as they’re sharin’ the same thought: Let the stupid Chinese make the last wish, then my wish would be ‘send me back with all the money‘. Muahahahahaha…that’s brilliant. Wonderful plannin’!! Now the Chinese got his wine, and both the American and Pommy got their money. The sprite turned to the Chinese and asked, "Master, what’s your last wish?" This time the Chinese was pretty pleased with the amount of spirit he had, so he said, "That’s great! I’m dang happy today. I never had this much of alcohol before. That’s enuff for me. I’m satisfied with myself. I got no wish anymore." Think awhile before he told the sprite, "Anyway, I still have my last wish rite? Alrite, I think you’ve no business here. My wish is —— "

You may go now!

*ROFL~~!! Muahahahaha…* The sprite simply left the dessert and three of them are still together.

So, the moral of the story is — It doesn’t matter whether you’re allocated to be the first one or the last one, as long as you know how to treasure your opportunity.

Communication barrier almost happens everyday when we’re talkin’, especially semantic barrier, when the language is different. For Chinese, Mandarin and Cantonese are most widely used. Although they can’t be compared, as one is language while another is dialect, but verbally they shared same characteristics. In fact it’s more barrier prone when we mix and match with these 2 "languages", especially when the pronunciation is inaccurate.

I went to S’pore with 2 of my friends 2 weeks ago. One of them is English educated, but studied Mandarin in primary school, so he knows a bit Mandarin and speaks Cantonese to us in college off and on. Sounds cool, but not really when we’re in S’pore, most of the time we speak Mandarin with the local Chinese. He almost offends someone on the day of arrival.

给我"妈"孖的

It was in the morning, his uncle drove us to National University of Singapore (NUS) for breakfast, right after we arrived in S’pore. As we walked on, a stall sellin’ noodles caught his eyes and thus he approached it. He looked at the Wantan Mee, seems delicious and then place his order.

My friend : excuse me, pls gimme a bowl of wantan mee, i want 2 serving.

Hawker : 对不起，我听不懂你在说什么…

My friend : arrrrr…….(thinkin’ how to express in Mandarin) "wo yao yi wan……hun tun mian!" (he’s tryin’ to say 我要一碗云吞面, but sounds like 混吞面)

Hawker : (dun really get what’s he sayin’) har? 什么面？

My friend : (pointin’ at the picture) Wantan 面。

Hawker : 噢…要大的还是小的？

My friend : "wo yao da de" ("我要大的" He speaks with full-confidence)

Hawker : 好的，请你稍候…

*Stood there for ’bout 5 seconds before his stomach started to urge him to ask for more.*

My friend : Excuse me. (pause for a while as he doesn’t know how to ask for 2 servin’, but eventually he speak in cantonese) "bei ngo ma gei" (俾我孖嘅 - means give me double)

Hawker : 你要什么？

My friend : (Try very hard to think how to say "double" in Mandarin) Errrrrrr…….errr……(Still can’t come up with a better phrase, thus he decided to directly translate it) "gei wo…ma de" (his translation was 给我孖的)

Hawker : (Astonished and stare at him) HAR？

My friend : (thought he can’t hear so speak louder) "GEI WO…MA DE" (all in his mind is 给我孖的, never know what’s the problem)

*Obviously everyone heard "给我，妈的" !*

Hawker : (looks grim) 你想怎么样？你要些什么？

My friend : (raised his middle finger and forefinger, in a ‘V’ shape) "ma de" (sounds exactly like "妈的")

Hawker : (become irritated and turn away, speechless) ……

*Luckily we approach him in time and talked to the hawker*

Me : 老板，对不起，他的面要双份。

Hawker : 好的。(stops awhile and says) 你朋友真怪…

Me : (Smilin’ but juz kept quiet) ……

My friend kept starin’ at me, still dunno what happened. I briefly explained to him and he laugh out loudly…

水饺

Felt embarrassed on the first day, he had learnt a lesson. But very soon he faced another embarrassin’ situation again, on the fourth day. In the afternoon, we went to walk around S’pore city, then settled our lunch in one of the food court. My friend once again wanted to order food on his own. Fine, juz leave him alone. He found his way to a dumpling stall, intended to get a bowl of dumpling with soup. So he approach the stall, saw 2 ppl standin’ there; one man wearin’ apron standin’ before the wok; another one is a pretty gal wearin’ sexy attire, holdin’ a bowl in her left hand.

Without any hesistance my friend walked towards the gal and speak to her. Who cares ’bout the old man. He wanted place his order to the gal. Never realize that, in fact the gal is a CUSTOMER!! She’s tryin’ to pick some "side order" into the bowl and pass to the old man (the hawker). Too bad my friend never know this. He straight away approach the gal.

My friend : xiao jie, wo yao….sui jiao (intended to say 小姐，我要水饺)

Gal : (obviously she doesn’t know what’s happenin’) 我想你搞错了……

My friend : (very quickly he thought of askin’ for the price, hence he restructures the phrase and say again) sui jiao yi wan duo shao qian? (translated into mandarin would be "水饺一碗多少钱？")

Gal : (Look at him, dunno what to say) 我…

My friend : (so smug cuz he can speak Mandarin) xiao jie, sui jiao yi wan, duo shao qian? (he’s tryin’ to ask 小姐，水饺一碗，多少钱？)

*everyone turns to him and stared at him, with different expression on their face; some surprise, some ribald, and even some with obscene smile.

Gal : (gazed at him, feel so irritated)……

We senses something’s wrong and rush over, try to give some assistance. It’s juz split second, fortunately we pull him away and apologize to that gal. She was juz ’bout to raise her hand (I think wanted to slap him…hee..hee…). Again, my friend was so perplexed. "What’s goin’ on?", he asked. Without sayin’ a word, we dragged him away, far away from the food court.

Can’t figure out what’s wrong with it? The point is the phrase : 小姐，水饺一碗多少钱？My friend’s command of language is not good for Mandarin, so his pronunciation is not accurate. It sounds like……小姐，睡觉一晚多少钱？Erm….this guy is really frightening. I can’t predict what’s he gonna say next…

**Please note that this is a real life story, and it is not exaggerated. I’m tellin’ the whole thing exactly as it is. Wanna know who’s the one I’m talkin’ about? =)

If i tell you a news "RM18 for a McDonalds buffet", would you believe it? Nope, I don’t! How could it be? My friend sent me a catalog ’bout the buffet, it’s a buffet specially meant for break fast (only in the month of Ramadhan). Quite unbelievable? Here’s the photo: -

Sound so realistic, but it’s on the web, who knows it is not bein’ superimposed by anyone else? C’mon, I’m an IT student, you can’t con me easily. I checked it in McDonalds website, no clue at all. Thinkin’ that it was a joke or hoax, tried our luck for the last time, called McD’s hotline and enquiry ’bout the "promotion". WOW~~!! Cool man, it’s true!! After we gained enough details, we head for the nearest McD franchise in Awan Besar, the R&R situated in KESAS highway.

Scrutinize the time in the catalog above, the time is only 6.30pm - 8.00pm. Intelligent marketing strategy, no one will have enough time to digest and go for another round. And do you think you can eat the food worth up to RM18? If I have a good appetiate sometimes, I’d buy a Ayam Goreng McD combo set + a McDeluxe or Quater Pounder. Cost ’bout RM12-13, if not mistaken, and it makes me quite full.

It’s good to try out somethin’ new. We went to Awan Besar McD and pay for the buffet, and the sticker is the evidence:

This’s the sticker I got from the McD, indicatin’ we’re cravin’ for food. 18 bucks for a McD meal. whoaa…we loot the burgers from the counter. Ppl around us stared at us, lookin’ at 3 country pumpkins keep stuffin’ the food into their mouth. Approximately we took 3 - 4 rounds from the counter. It’s sorta ala-carte buffet, when you want you juz "claim" from the counter, juz as anticipated. And this’s the summary of what i ate: -

Ayam Goreng McD - Spicy          5.50

Quarter Pounder                       5.00

French Fries (Small)                  2.30

Chicken McNuggets (6 pcs)        4.50

Chicken Foldover                     6.50

Fillet-O-Fish                             4.50

Sundae                                    2.50

Sundae Cone                            1.00

Sprite                                      1.95

Sirap Bandung          (Complimentary for buffet)

Total                                     33.75 (Excluding Government Tax 5%)

OMG~~!! This is the amount of thing I’ve eaten juz now. No wonder my stomach juz can’t take it. Ok, I can’t even walk straight. I’ve the Sprite before I left the restaurant, holding it in my hand, dun dare to take a sip. Cuz every drop of sprite is like 1 litre of water stuff into my stomach. Gosh it gonna burst man! It’s been very very long ago since I feel this full.

Struggle all the way back in the car, instead of leanin’ against the cursion i bend myself, and each time my friend breaks harder we’ll shout. "Dang, we’ll vomit man!!". Hahaha…what a suffering experience.

Over eating is bad for health. Indeed it hurts us. I admit I have a wrong strategy of eatin’ this time, although I managed to eat extra 87.5% worth of food, but I suffered for hours. I reached home at 9pm, can’t help, juz gotta walk around the garden to help digestion and I can still feel full (quite ok) right until 12am. I’m not braggin’. Now it’s almost 3, usually I’ll be very hungry by this time, but at the moment I juz feel like i juz had a lite meal.

Haha, thankz for the buffet. I’m not gonna visit McDonalds in the comin’ 3 months. Juz suffer from a new sickness of my own, McD-phobia…LOL~~!!

Indeed it worth tryin’, but be wise while eatin’ buffet, juz eat what you’d like to eat, and it’s not necessary to order all the expensive set. Buffet is not a mission of hittin’ the margin of the amount you pay and you win the game. Like me, I gained extra 80+%, but at the end of the day I suffer for over-eatin’, and it really lose the meanin’ of eatin’ buffet.